I know, I shouldn’t call you that anymore, but it reminds me of that goofy kid that followed me around a bit too much in what seems another lifetime now. So much has happened since then. I guess I should say I’m sorry for how things ended between us, and believe me, I am so sorry, not just for the way it ended, but that it had to end at all. At least you made me see there’s another way to live my life. Peter is not that much of an idiot that he is completely ignorant about what was going on between us, but we choose not to talk about it, as usual. But you don’t want to hear about Peter. Maybe you don’t want to hear what I’m about to say next either, because I know it’s too little too late, but I do really love you. I may not have acted like it, but I was afraid, afraid to lose everything, I guess. I failed to see I would have had you.

I know now that I made you feel as if you were not enough for me, and I understand why you walked out on me. Maybe I should have given you some hope, but it would have been a lie then. I was, and am, not ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to leave him. It’s complicated to explain, but I’m not just staying with Peter for the job, or the money, I do love him. We’ve built a life together and I think it’s only normal that it’s not easy all the time. We’ve both done things that have harmed our marriage, but in the end, we still choose each other. Maybe that’s also what love is.

Going to work these days isn’t half the fun it used to be now you’re no longer here. When I think of the first time you walked into my office, I just have to smile, every time… the look on your face, it was priceless, and you thought you were hiding it so well. You never were. Speaking of work, Carrie Clarks told me that you moved to London, so I took the liberty of calling a friend who is looking to hire. I gave you an excellent reference, not just because it was the least I could do, but also because you deserve it. I really hope it helps you along.

I miss you. I miss our lunches and our talks and our giggles, and I miss your eyes. And kissing you. I think about you every time I step into my car of course. I may have to sell it.

I’m so sorry.