I had left Claire but I had always found comfort in the thought that she was only a train ride away. I was floored by the news of her impending departure. I cancelled all my weekend plans to spend as much time with her as possible. I did realize we had no future together but the fact that she was moving across the pond didn’t sit well with me. She had been a huge part of my life for several years, we had parted on bad terms, but love doesn’t just vanish like that. And the good times/bad times ratio still tipped in her favour. There was no question about it: I still loved Claire Burns. I simply couldn’t shake her off.

On Sunday morning, the day she was leaving London, we were lying in bed. I had opened my eyes a couple of minutes earlier, only to close them again and hope that the vicious hang-over would disappear. Claire had drunk me under the table once again the night before. She had said: “One last time, Lee, for old times’ sake.” I had looked at her and laughed: “Let’s do it.” It’s amazing how easily we forget former regrets when it comes to alcohol. I usually call it social pressure. When I tried lifting my eyelids up again I saw Claire’s face. I didn’t want to, but I smiled. I groaned: “What did you do to me? My brain feels as if it’s about to burst out of my skull.”
“Oh Lee, when will you learn? Here, drink some water.”
“You know what this reminds me of?”
“Of course I do. Our first night together. Although I can’t imagine you have many vivid memories of it.”
“It’s the same hotel. It’s a bloody mind fuck.”
“I always stay at the same hotel.”
I sighed and blinked back the beginning of a tear. I was surprised I had any fluids left in me. Tears must have their own emergency reservoir.
“When does your train leave?”
“At four.”
“I wish we could spend our last hours together in a better state.”
“Get some more sleep, Lee. We have time.”
“We don’t. But I do need to sleep some more.”

At least if I slept I didn’t have to think about it. But I couldn’t sleep anymore. The best I could manage was a hallucinatory slumber in which I saw Claire get on a plane over and over again while I was standing behind a fence, screaming: “Please, stay. I need you.” But the roar of the plane was too loud and it took off every time. I woke up again, startled this time, my brain was slow, but the anxiety was still there. Claire was sleeping on her back. I kissed her, I couldn’t help myself. I wanted her to wake up. I moved one finger across her face and let it roam across her closed eyelids, then her nose and her mouth, with the slightly more pronounced underlip. I could never get enough of the asymmetry of her lips. She woke up but didn’t say anything. She took my hand and kissed my fingers, one at the time. Then she spoke: “Where did we go wrong, Lee? I know it’s a stupid question, but think about it, really, I love you and you love me. Why can’t it just be that simple?”
“Because you are a complicated woman, too complicated for me anyway.”
“You changed me.”
“No, I didn’t. But at least I tried.”
Suddenly Claire sat up. She grabbed my other hand and brought them both up to her face. When she looked up from my hands I saw the defiance in her eyes.
“Hey Lee, here’s a crazy idea.”
“What?”
“Why don’t you come with me?”

To be continued…