It was only logical that Kim had her suspicions. She had been together with Jennifer for more than four years, she would have to notice immediately if her girlfriend was secretly exploring new territories. I wondered how much she knew though. I was certain Jennifer hadn’t told her about us, not only because Jennifer wasn’t the type to spill the beans but also because Kim’s demeanour towards me was still as friendly as ever. If anyone was pulling away from the relationship it was me, out of shame, guilt and well, agony. I was beginning to think my only way out of this mess was moving out of the house. But how would I explain that? I had no obvious reason to leave and I couldn’t bail without at least ruffling some feathers. And then where would we all be? Kim was suspicious and smart, she would put two and two together in no time. Jennifer could hide but she wouldn’t lie if asked point blank about it. And then there was Jack. He knew something was going on, he had had his feelers up for a while but as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t tell him. However, as soon as I shut the door of our house behind me for good, all the pieces would come together and he would complete the puzzle. He would know.

I was trapped in the lovesick hell of my own mind. If moving out wasn’t an option, if only to protect Kim and Jennifer, who had welcomed me into their home at a time when I was at my weakest, then there was only one thing left to do: fall out of love with Jennifer. Easier said than done, right? I decided I needed a substitute for Jennifer, someone I could focus on and who would get me out of the house as much as possible. For obvious reasons, Olivia was to be the one, she was in play already, she was available and seemed interested enough. Nothing substantial had happened between us yet, except for a few pecks on the cheek. If I wanted to move things forward, I had some serious courting to do. Salvation was just around the corner, but I still had a long way to go.

So I started seeing Olivia, tentatively at first, but I soon found myself almost obsessed with being around her, as if her mere presence could absolve me of all the sins my mind committed. It was hardly an ideal situation but effective enough to trick me into thinking I was doing the right thing. It was more than just a mock affair, it was a safe haven of sorts, a place to let my guard down and not be constrained by all the rules the house demanded of me. Of course no one in the house asked anything specific of me but I had devised a complicated set of rules in my head to keep me company at all times. The number one rule was: avoid Jennifer enough to stay sane but not too much so as not to raise suspicion. I failed every day. The harder I tried the more impossible it seemed for me to forget about her. I was foolish enough to think that I could regulate my mind into forgetting her. But what else was I supposed to do? With every failure, with every absent thought that led me back to her image and with every inch of desire that tugged at my heart when I watched her cross her legs or stretch her neck, I would cling to Olivia more. With the days turning into weeks, an expanding melancholy took hold of me. Something had to happen, something other than my senseless escapism with another woman, who wasn’t a fool either. And then something did.

To be continued…