And so the unravelling began. The conversation in Vivian’s room was the exact reason I didn’t want to go to the work shop. She had only mildly probed, but already I was upset. I’m not one for confrontations − I’d rather drink a bottle of wine and fall in love. It was only Monday morning. The week would stretch itself out in ups and downs. I needed an up, I needed Sarah’s smile. I walked into the garden. Sarah still sat on the same bench, scribbling down notes in a little book. Looked upon from a distance, when you couldn’t see the intensity of her eyes and the wonder of her smile, her profile was all nose. She turned her head towards me, as if she knew I was coming, and smiled. I was certain she had a secret, possibly one involving a woman. I wondered if Vivian had touched upon it and if the blush on Sarah’s cheeks earlier had been more than a silly sign of fandom.

“Back so soon?” She asked. “Still not a fan, then?”
“I figured others may need her time more.”
“Wow. What a cop out. I hadn’t pegged you−”
“Can we just move on, please? We have some work to do.”
Sarah got up and reached out her hand.
“Come on. Get up.” I stared at her hand as if it was a knife she was going to kill me with. She inched it a little closer towards me. “We’re going for a walk. It helps you process.”
“You talk like a lesbian, you know that?” I jumped up from the bench and took a few steps away from Sarah. What would Claire make of all of this, I wondered. She would hate it as much as I did but she would charm and deflect her way through it. I wished I could call her, let her soft voice trickle down my ear and soothe me. “It’s all bullshit, baby,” she would say. “But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.” The touch of a hand on my neck startled me.
“Hey? What’s going on?” Sarah asked. What would Claire think if I kissed Sarah? Did she ever, in the three years of our open relationship, ask the same question about me when she was about to lean in for some tongue with a stranger? I realised it was all about Claire. I didn’t need a shrink to tell me that. I wanted to hurt her the way she had hurt me. Not with words, but with cold clear action. I was ready for revenge. I was entitled to it. I had Claire cornered.
“Nothing.” I reached for Sarah’s hand. “Let’s just walk to those trees over there.”
“Let me know if you want to talk.” Our fingers touched in between our moving bodies, they brushed lightly against each other, then bumped firmly. The country air felt cool in my lungs. The green around me unearthed a deep wave of nostalgia, the kind you can only feel about your younger, innocent years. I yearned for the time when life was just about play and discovery − when the heart was not yet involved. “We’re all here to help each other,” Sarah said.
We reached the end of the lawn where a thick row of pine trees fenced the grounds. On the left stood a fancy over-sized tool shed.
“Let’s help each other then.” I clenched her fingers between mine and pulled her towards the back of the shed. “Come on.” It was so quiet, I could hear the soft hiss of her breath come up behind me. We both leaned against the wall. I inhaled deeply to trap the sweet odour of grass and flowers inside myself, to hold on to it forever. My right hand found Sarah’s left, I turned towards her and pushed her gently against the brick wall with my other hand. Then I kissed her. For a second I felt her lips part, then she thrust me away from her violently.
“What on earth are you doing?”

To be continued…