I had no one left to blame. I could have come up with a contrived story of Lucy staying over at Eleanor’s but Claire was smarter than that. I sank down on a kitchen chair, my defences down and my cover almost blown.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Claire asked. She sat down next to me. Her knees touched mine but I pulled away. “Did I say something wrong?” I looked at her, the pout of her lips carving long and ugly scars on my heart. This was Claire. All I felt was love.
“I−” How would I ever say those words to her? I closed my eyes and tried to hear how they would sound. Wrong. “I think we should break up.” Tears streamed down my face, gently at first but once Claire’s expression of surprised anguish registered they came down in torrents of despair and disappointment.
“What are you talking about? Why?” I shook my head. Sobs constricted my throat. I wanted her so much in that moment. I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to disappear in her arms. “Whatever happened to you in Cambridge, it doesn’t matter, we’ll get through it. We’ve been through worse.” Inadvertently, I nodded. She made it sound so easy. Then I heard noises upstairs. Lucy. I buried my face in my hands because I didn’t want to look at her when I said it.
“Last night, I slept with Lucy.” Silence. I heard Claire swallow. Minutes passed.
“Look at me.” She grabbed my hands and pulled them away from my wet face. The morning light suddenly seemed too harsh, too much for me. She looked determined, as if she was about to go to war. “Tell me why?” I shrugged. “I don’t care if you slept with half of London last night, I just want to know why.”
“Did you really think we could just pick up where we left off? Seriously?”
“No, of course not. We were doing it differently this time.”
“I can’t do it, Claire. It’s as simple as that. I can’t be your girlfriend anymore.”
“I shouldn’t have pushed you the way I did with the moving in−“
“It’s not about that. It’s about… you.”
“What about me?”
“You’re no good for me. When I saw you again I thought it was this cosmic sign telling me that maybe we belonged together. But we don’t. Too much has happened.”
“Is there someone else? Is it Lucy? Or that woman from−”
“No, Claire. I just want to be alone. I just−” I held my palms up in a gesture of surrender. “It’s all just too much. You’re too much. I don’t trust you and I don’t trust myself.” A cold hand twisted my insides around under my skin. I loved Claire Burns. I had wanted to cause her pain but now all I had was regret. “I’m all screwed up in my head, Claire. You don’t want to be with me.”
“I do, baby, I do.” Her hands felt hot and sticky on mine. “Come here.” She brought my head to her chest, her tears fell into my hair. She was smart. Physical contact would break me. I knew I had to pull away, get away from her arms and her skin, but my body was limp. The first kiss was hesitant and tender as it landed on my forehead. Her hands stroked the skin under my chin, burning my flesh. She lifted my mouth up to hers. Her eyes were dark and violent, her make-up ran down in short black streams. I let her kiss me. I let her pick me up from the chair and push me down on the floor. I wanted her inside of me more than ever before. I always knew it wasn’t going to be an easy break-up.

To be continued…