My hair still wet from the shower, and my self-worth considerably diminished, I knocked on Lucy’s door. The hardest part wouldn’t be the pretending, making her believe that we actually had a chance. It would be, once again, trying to find a way to live with my flaws. Lucy had such blind faith in me, just meeting her eyes and seeing the love spread through them made me feel like the biggest fraud alive. If there was one thing I had taken away from my twenties, it was that you didn’t mess with love. I made a promise there and then to treat Lucy’s love for me with the respect it deserved. No more revenge shags, certainly no cheating, and no false promises.
“There are no guarantees,” I said, “and I come with a lot of baggage.” I took in her crooked smile, the almost impossible breadth of her lips. “But I’m not just here to take things from you and wallow in the feelings you have for me. I will give back, or at least I’ll try my hardest.”
“I know I’m taking a chance on you, Lee. It’s a bit like taking in a wounded animal. I can only hope for the best.”
I didn’t really get how she could be so smitten and realistic at the same time. “I trust you, more than anyone in this world, not to break my heart.” I meant it more than was probably good for me.
“Would you like to go on a business trip slash holiday with me?”
“I think I would love that.” To get away from London and all it stood for, the heartbreak, the betrayal, the weakness of everyone including myself, sounded like paradise.
“It’s about time we began putting the globe in Blogging The Globe. We have big plans, starting with New York City.”
“Fabulous. I’ll carry your suitcases wherever you want to go.”
“Oh no, I have something far better in mind.” She unbuttoned her blouse and let it fall to the floor. When she kissed me I knew that, when given the chance, she could save me.

“Are you going anywhere fancy?” Annabelle asked, a fake smile glued on her face.
“What?” I decided it would be best to play dumb.
“Since you’ve taken all of next week off, I just presumed you’d be going away.”
“Just visiting my parents,” I lied. “All very dull.” I kept my eyes on my screen, trying to make her feel as if she was interrupting some serious journalism.
“Lucy’s going to New York, you know. Talk about branching out.”
She couldn’t possibly know already, could she? It was only Friday and both Lucy and I had been very careful. Maybe too careful?
“The break should do her good, though. I think she and Joan may have split up. She asked me to hold all her calls. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”
“Why would I, Annabelle?” She was starting to get under my skin.
“It’s just that I could have sworn I spotted you and Joan talking at the Starbucks down the road last Monday.” 
A nervous rash of heat swarmed through me. Was it a coincidence or had she learnt to read Lucy that well? Or worse, was she following me?
“That must have been a case of mistaken identity.” I tried to keep my cool. “I never go to Starbucks.” I shot her a curt smile. “And I haven’t seen Joan in ages.”
“Oh, my bad.” Her voice shot all the way up, letting me know that she was on to something.

To be continued…

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And it was. It was a drunken, immoral, guilt-ridden mess of a shag, but it was definitely much more than a kiss. It wasn’t satisfying, it was just tipsy fumbling in the dark, clumsy and going nowhere. It was revenge. It was pay-back for the first time Lou gave me a taste of heartbreak when she showed up with Katy as her girlfriend, retaliation for her confession that she had a crush on Claire, and it was the ultimate act of vengeance for her treacherous dalliance with her boss. It wasn’t much of a shag, but in this instance the location, Lou’s own house, and the person, Lou’s best friend since forever and her first love, outweighed any orgasm. And I had never hated myself so much. I didn’t even care what Vic’s motives were, even though obviously some form of resentment had been budding between Lou and her. All I cared about, curiously enough, was Lucy and how, as soon as I’d had an opportunity, I had betrayed her when she deserved so much better. She could never find out. Vic couldn’t save me. I could only guess what Lou’s reaction would be, but I didn’t want to be around to witness it. All I wanted was to wash it all off me and have Lucy wrap her arms around me.
“I have to go,” I said. “Can I have a quick shower?”
Vic was so out of it that she barely responded. I stalked to the bathroom and hopped in the shower, turning up the heat so the water scalded my skin.
“How did your interview go?” A voice said from behind the curtain. Lou. I’d never even heard her come home. “Vic?” she shouted. “I had the worst fucking day.”
It’s about to get a lot worse, I thought. Then Vic entered the bathroom.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” Lou said. “I had no idea you had someone over.”
I stood behind the shower curtain, steam rising up around me and my heart pounding away in my chest. I turned off the water and took a deep breath.
“Are you sleeping your way to the top already?” Lou joked. Vic didn’t reply.
“Not exactly.” I drew the curtain open and, naked, faced Lou’s look of bewilderment. “It sucks, doesn’t it?” I tried to step out of the tub gracefully and with my head held high, but I was still slightly tipsy and my feet were wet.
Neither Lou nor Vic spoke, both grasped by a terrible shock and the sudden realisation of the ramifications their actions would have on their friendship. I grabbed a towel and flung it around me.
“I’d better go.” I rushed into Vic’s room and jumped into my clothes as quickly as I could. I was about to dash down the stairs when Lou burst out of the bathroom, her face striped with tears.
“I knew you would do something like this, Lee. I just knew it.”
“Something like what?” I started my descent. “Sleeping with the one person that means most to you?” She was on my heels. “Like that thing you did?” I reached the bottom of the stairs and glanced up at her, at her red-rimmed eyes, her blotched complexion and I knew she’d be better off without me. “I’m sorry.” I sighed. “It wasn’t premeditated. It just happened.” The lousiest excuse in the history of mankind. But it was the truth. I turned around and made for the door. Some things cannot be undone, I thought when I slammed it shut behind me and went on my way to Lucy. And some things are better left unsaid.

To be continued…

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It was strange standing there, at the scene of the crime. It all seemed so undramatic now, the sidewalk was just dirty concrete and the door plain green. I rang the bell before I could give myself the chance to become too overwhelmed by the memories forever tied to the simple action of buzzing this particular door’s intercom.
“Oh Lee,” Vic said, “do come in.” She looked highly attractive in her black suit. “I’ve just had a job interview. Fingers crossed, eh?”
“Is Lou in?” Saying her name made my voice crack a tiny bit.
“Still at work.” She put her arm around me as we walked into the sitting room, which almost made me choke up. “How about a stiff drink while you wait?”
I nodded eagerly. I would need more than one. “Brandy, please.”
“I’ll make it a double.”
I followed every movement Vic made and by the time she presented me with a glass I was enthralled by her self-assured elegance. What if? I wondered. The ultimate revenge. The liquor burned my throat and seemed to paralyse my limbs and I realised I simply didn’t have that kind of fight left in me. Also, if Vic was only a fraction of the friend Lou raved about, she would never stoop to my level of betrayal.
“She shouldn’t be long. I can’t imagine she’ll be doing overtime today.”
It was an innocent attempt at a joke but I was nowhere near ready to see the funny side of the weekend’s events. Soon salty tears dripped into my brandy, but I knocked it back anyway, the alcohol too strong to alter its bitter taste.
“I’m so sorry,” Vic said, with that posh accent of hers, and it only made me sob louder. She shuffled closer to me and wrapped one arm around my shoulders. She finished her drink and started patting my thigh with her free hand. “I couldn’t believe it when she told me, Lee. I truly thought you and her would work it out somehow. You made such sense together.”
I rested my head on her arm until my sniffles subsided. “I don’t even know why I came here.”
“You love her, that’s why.” Vic trailed her fingers over the skin of my neck.
“Please distract me with a silly story.” She lifted her fingers off my neck but I reached up and grabbed them. “And don’t stop doing that.”
“Let me get us another drink first.” She wriggled her fingers loose from my grasp and I suddenly felt so alone.
“Bring the bottle.”
“Yes ma’am.” She saluted and followed it with a mock bow. “Anything you say.”

An hour later, when we had finished the brandy — without stopping for dinner — and Lou still hadn’t come home, we both sat slouched in the sofa, severely wasted and several limbs entangled.
“She’s my best friend, she is,” Vic slurred, “but how can I ever look at her in the same way again?”
“Because that’s what friends do.”
We’d had our hands intertwined for a while but only now did I notice her thumb stroking my palm.
“What else do friends do?”
I looked at our hands. “Not that.”
She didn’t stop. “If I ask you a question will you answer truthfully?”
“Maybe.”
She locked her eyes on mine, they were pale green, just like Lou’s. “Do you want to kiss me?” I started to say something but she interrupted me. “The truth, please.”
“Despite it being morally despicable, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” Maybe I wouldn’t need a fight, maybe tears were enough. Images swam in my head, Lucy’s face merged with Lou’s. Joan’s fake smile. I have no excuses for this, I thought. None.
“Come on.” Vic tugged me up by my hand. “Let’s go to my room. I’ve got a feeling this will be more than a kiss.”

To be continued…

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Monday evening after a deceptively ordinary day at work, I found Joan waiting for me outside the building.
“Have you told her yet?” she asked, the veins in her neck bulging. “I’ll wait for her until the penny drops, but I would appreciate it if you could speed up the process.”
I ducked as far away as possible in the collar of my coat, but even if it were made of concrete, it still wouldn’t have been enough to protect me from Joan. I didn’t want to risk angering her even more with the snide remark lingering on my tongue — “Lucy never loved you the way she was supposed to.” — so I decided to play the nice card. “Do you want to go for a drink?”
She looked at me as if I’d just taken Lucy away from her again, but with brute force this time instead of just a needy look in my eyes. Of course, Joan didn’t drink. Wrong approach.
“Coffee or tea?” I pointed my chin in the direction of a conveniently located Starbucks a bit further down the road and my stomach clenched at the thought of settling into one of the snug couches with Joan as company.
“I’ll have a mineral water.” The brave face she was trying to put on was already starting to crumble.

“Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t, huh, share the same feelings?” I danced around the inevitable truth that Joan had been not much more than a pawn in Lucy’s waiting game.
“Maybe I should call Lucy and ask her the same question?”
She got me there. She was clever and quick, impossibly stubborn and so hurt. A combination not to be reasoned with. 
“Fair enough.”
Her eyes blazed with renewed vigour. “You may have known Lucy the longest, but at least I took the time to really get to know her. And I know what, besides you, her weaknesses are. Don’t make the mistake of thinking, even for a minute, that this is over.”
“I don’t want to fight with you, Joan. I understand you’re hurt, believe me, I know what that feels like. But this is what Lucy wants right now. At some point, you’ll have to accept that.” I was already getting tired of the conversation. I didn’t have the energy for a drawn-out fight over Lucy. That was not part of the deal I had made with myself.
Joan gulped down the water in her bottle without taking her eyes off me. She could sit there in combat mode all night, displaying her pain and her competitive reaction to it, it wouldn’t change a thing. Nevertheless, her fiery gaze and imposing physique, of which I could see the appeal, started to get under my skin. And I had seen her true colours before. I had to get out of there.
“I’m sorry.” I drained the last of my coffee and got up. “I have to go.”
“Fine.” She fixed her stare on me again, by now well aware of the unsettling effect it had. “But don’t be surprised if Lucy doesn’t come home one of these nights.” She winked and pulled her lips into a fake smile. “Be prepared.”
I sped out of the coffee house, on the verge of a massive self-pity trip, when it hit me. Had I really expected my life to become drama-free all of a sudden? Had I really believed that Lucy could do that for me? I had envisioned her as my great saviour, but she was just a woman with her own entanglements and flaws. And then there was the pain, that under-current of loss flowing through me, denting me with every move I made. I halted at the tube entrance for a second, debating where to go. I had to see her. I had no choice.

To be continued…

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“You must think I’ve lost my mind,” Lucy said. I had gone to her house at dusk after negotiating for some time alone in the afternoon.
“I think you’re very brave.”
She stood idly in her kitchen, not knowing where to turn. “It’s not as if I have a choice in the matter.” She seemed to have come to her senses somewhat, which, frankly, was a relief after she had inadvertently called me ‘darling’ earlier that day. 
“You could have gone for self-protection.” Despite not always making the best decisions when it came to romance, Lucy was far from a push-over, and she was hardly stupid either. “But instead—”
“I opened my arms to you like the sucker I am.” Her face broke into a smile, her eyes lighting up again. Her happiness was borderline infectious.
Holding her gaze, I shook my head. “You took a chance. And not only that, but you walked away from the incredible hulk.” I paced over to her, suddenly overwhelmed by a desire to touch her. “That’s about as brave as it gets.” I squeezed her hands in mine. “And the most romantic action anyone has ever undertaken for me.” I found the skin of her neck with my lips and was fairly certain that it was exactly Lucy’s bravery that would end up killing me in the long run — I’d never done well with too much love. But for the time being, I was more than happy with her exaggerated displays of affection. For once, I preferred it over the constant battles Claire had put me through in the course of our affair, and long after. I welcomed it after the hesitant start to my relationship with Lou and its dramatic demise. I wanted things to just be easy for a change.
“If you break my heart, I will fire you,” she whispered in my ear. “I’ll give your job to Annabelle.”
“The first bit I can live with, the second is completely unacceptable.” I felt her lips stretch wide against the skin of my cheek. “She’s nosy enough, but far too blond.”
“You shouldn’t talk about your co-workers like that, especially not to your boss.”
“Maybe not, but tell me, boss, what’s the policy on shagging subordinates?”
Lucy pulled my jumper over my head. “It is completely…” Then tugged at the button of my jeans. “…and utterly…” Finally, she snapped my bra open. “…frowned upon.”

“Millie knew and I didn’t tell her,” I said. “The boys, except for Tim maybe, are oblivious to vibes of romance in the office, but Annabelle is smart.” I turned on my side in Lucy’s couch, almost slipping off, and looked at her. “One smouldering look is all it takes.”
“I’ll come clean. I’ll inform the board.” She said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if it wasn’t grounds for being sacked. It was bad enough that I was taking advantage of her feelings for me, I wasn’t going to be responsible for her being fired as well.
“Now I really do think you’ve lost your mind.”
“What do you suggest?” 
“It has to be a secret, Lucy. It’s the only option. For both our sakes.” I tucked some strands of hair behind her ear. “You can’t so much as smile at me in a more than professional manner.” I let my fingers drift across her cheek to her chin. “And absolutely no touching in the office.”
“Well how the fuck am I going to manage that?” She grabbed my hand and pulled it towards her so I fell flat on my back. In no time she was on top of me. Clearly she had taken some lessons from Joan.
“Just think of it as foreplay.”
She spread my legs with her knee and locked her eyes on mine. “You know I’m not the biggest fan of that.” And just like that, she was inside.

To be continued…

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